The Cellphone Self checkout Postulate

(See the nice lady? She is making a concerted effort to get the hell outta there!)

Todays rant is on "One reason the self checkout doesn't work" or the "Cellphone Self checkout Postulate". What is the CPSCP? It is a formula that I have discovered after years of grocery shopping. It says "The speed of self checkout is inversely proportional to the retardation of the operators of the self checkout machines". I believe we can all agree that the radiation emitted by cellphones causes humans to become 8 to 10 degrees MORE retarded than they were before cellphone use (and it's not actually the phone, but the speaker and microphone that cause this).

So, next time you have to check out with just a six-pack of Schlitz and a turkey kielbasa look for that person with the cellphone pinched between her head and shoulder. Watch how casual she is when she scans her bread... how lackluster her performance is when she reaches for the eggs to scan next. If a REAL cashier was on duty she'd hardly have time to hit the quick-dial.

I say HECKLE THESE PEOPLE! When you see them taking their SWEETASSED time, speak up! "Hey! It's quicker for all of us when you're not talking on the phone!" or "Are you done yet? Why don't you pay attention!" Self checkout isn't the "Checkout at your own pace" line, it's the "Let's show the cashiers that we can be faster than them" line. See the lady in the picture? Not on the phone. She's even scanning one item with her right hand and prepping to scan another with her left! God bless that lady.

The CPSCP has an alternate axiom that deals with letting your twin 8 year olds try to "help" you check out. The parent involved will find themselves writhe with metal retardation trying to discern what HAS been scanned and what hasn't.