What was in the mystery envelope?

So... After 150 bids and attacting over 168,000 views, Mr. joynersgeneralstore finally got rid of that old "Mystery Envelope" meme machine of his for the confounding sum of US$7600 (plus shipping) proving that old addage that Canadians ARE smarter comedians than Americans.

Not only that, but when he converts the cash over to Canadian he'll look even RICHER (and smarter) with CAN $9,430.08 in his account.

DAMN GENIUS! Now... You know what else would be smart? If the winner "golden palace casino" actually used it as a ploy to attact visits. That in itself would be worth $10,000! I should have mortgaged the house and bought it, then sold it to Miller Brewing Company for $20,000. But, as happens to all things meme, the deluge of knock-offs will gradually deminish the value of the whole movement and people will eventually forget it ever happened or they'll vaugely remember it, like some senile story of "the one that got away" or "Dubya doing a kick-ass job in office".

As of the closing of the bids last night at 8pm, 26 other "Mystery Envelope" items have closed and an additional 137 have popped up for sale... That was soooooo yesterday of them.

Pepsi - Sneaky Sneaky!

(Uhhhh huh! What's next Pepsi!? FLAVOR PERHAPS?)

Pepsi is trying to sneak up on an unsuspecting, health conscious crowd. You see, somewhere, someone got a huge raise and a bonus for convencing his soda company to sell a sugar-free, preservative-free, flavor-free, carbonation-free softdrink called "FINE WATER"... well "Aquafina".

Anyway, time has passed and water, not having the addictive sugar and caffeine qualities of good 'ole Pepsi Cola, is causing a monetary downslide for the company. No one is drinking any of their various soda products and there is a LOT of competition for the cold, crisp, flavorlessness of Water.

"Hrm... How do we re-hook the mindless consumer?", was the question pondered during many a coffee-scented conference call and at last someone said (and ALL of this is hypothetical), "I got it, let's reintroDUCE the consumer to SODA!" followed by a maniacal rubbing together of hands. He went further with "First we can add... hrm... Carbonation! Everyone loves carbination! Then we can move to FLAVOR! I mean, who doesn't love FLAVOR!? And when no one is looking we repackage with something like
'NOW FEATURING THE NATURAL, ENERGY LIFTING EXTRACTS CAFFEINE and SUGAR!'

I'm sure that person will also get a raise. Some newhire at Pepsi needs to remember that... It will come in handy in 20 years when the whole thing happens again. Maybe YOU can be the one who gets the raise and a bonus, eh? *steve shoots a glance out of the corner of his eye and nods approvingly... expecting that you will give him some sort of kickback in the distant future, like... free Pepsi for life or somethin'*

NOTE: If I could afford it, I would just drink KeyLime flavored Steez soda. I'm big into poetic contradictions like Health Soda, Diet Beer or Organic Cigarettes. Maybe I'll invent "Whole Tequilla" and make a mint... At least here in Austin and maybe Portland, Seattle and San Francisco.

Another Victim of the Rasta-rizer.

(Mark Rasta-rized)

One of my home-boys from back in the day. Thought I'd give him the dread treatment. He went from clean-cut groom to the orchestra's funky french-horn player in the matter of... eh.. 2 hours? This was a barter deal. He's gonna hook me up with sumthin' cool. He wouldn't say what just yet... But I hope it's nothing I can smoke. I think my parol officer is on to me... He said my last wiz-quiz showed that I was pregnant.

L8

Stereo Snake oil... Buy yours NOW!

A friend of mine pointed me to this site and I got a good laugh. There are $400US Tweeters that "don't generate sound in the audio band"... In other words, speakers that make no sound. They also sell "Magic Rings" for $100 - $300, and "Large Brilliant Pebbles" for $99 that "acts as both a vibration 'node damper' and EMI/RFI absorber via various atomic mechanisms in the crystals".

Please tell me these people aren't making any money off this crap.

I shouldn't even point a link to these lewz3rs, but I have to prove to you that I'm not lying... http://www.machinadynamica.com/index.html

MAJOR GRAPHIC DESIGNER AVAILABLE!

(I wanted to put a picture of a totally sweet ninja flippin' out, but the Ninja graphics I found were either too corny or too portly, so I just substituted a big plate of sushi instead. Bella's skills are like... Taking that big gob of wassabi and cramming them down your room-mates half empty tube of A&D Ointment and waiting them them to use it... Edgy... Hot... Exciting... Might make your room-mate's eyes well-up with tears!)

www.BellaGuzman.com

The wife just finished her promo (no... I said PROMO! Pro...Mo...) pieces and website. If you, or someone you know is in need of some outstanding graphic design work, send 'em her way! Click the above link to check out all of her graphical goodness. She can do just about anything you can think up.And there's my shameless plug! Thanks for listening.

Hrm...

(Found this in the bathroom... I wonder what it means.)

Excuse - I've been busy lately

(MCLH Graduates - a trio of leeto-burritos)

Howdy All,

Sorry for the lack of significant postings lately. I've been busy studying for my MCLH (Microsoft Certified l33t h4x0r) Certification. I'm learning all kinds of great stuff and even though I'm on AOL, people I chat with in #teenchat and #bearcave think I'm SUPERL33T! (that's where I was told to go flex my new ski11z from the guys at #hack, they're a great buncha guys over there) They called me 14m3r and 13wz3r... which, I don't know what that means, but it sounds scary! I think they "ph34r my l33t skillz" (I learned that on my last day in class!) One of them said that I "couldn't even be a scriptkiddie". I have to ask the teacher, but I think that means that "there's no way I could be some little kid reading from a script"... so they KNOW I'm the real deal.

Don't make me pwn j00! I'LL DO IT! I WILL! hehe... just kiddin'... We didn't get that deep into "'Sploits". Just the definition really... and how to write it a buncha different ways. I wonder what kinds of jobs I can get with a MCLH? Hrm...

On the set with the prototype 3DVX.2 Stereo 3D Videocamera

(To see more, click the above image)

I wouldn't exactly call it Gadget Pr0n, since he didn't get a chance to splay it out on a piece of red velvet, but a close friend of mine was recently on location with the guys from 21st Century 3D and got some sweet shots of the 3D multiplexer responsible for all of the camera's juicy 3D goodness (for the curious video geek, of course).

Hoisting this thing around isn't a job for the biceptually challenged. As you can see from the short image library, a 3D camera operator is not someone you want to get into a drunken bar brawl with. It's basically two DVX-100A cameras some aluminum framing, cables and the multiplexer on the top. Estimated to be around 15 pounds... Held outstretched... for hours...

Read more about it here.
Thanks to Cameraman/Director extraordinaire Ed Honzik for the images!

I've seen the future and it's.... Naked!

According to the Wearable Technology Showcase, the future will be VERY revealing. Apparently in the future, they use sex to counteract the sex-repulsing properties of hightech gadgetry to make it a little more pallatable to wear a pair of "Cyclops goggles wired to a steel brick" in public. (Note to self... shave... legs.)

Studies show that the measurement of one's gadget-based geekfactor is inversely proportional to the number of square inches of exposed flesh on the geek in question (multiplied by a "fine" factor of course) which, taking into account the amount of gadetry and lack of exposed flesh AND a negative fine factor, would make BORG the geekiest beings ever followed by, and I hate to say it, my man... Darth Vader.

Read more:
http://www.gizmag.com/go/3681/

TWC Chat Transcripts

What follows is a transcript of my "Live Assistance" session with TWC. The service is anything BUT what it's title suggests. The "humans" on the other side are barely alive with their "canned responses", and as the the "Assistance"... The transcript speaks for itself.

Karen F: Thank you, and with whom am I speaking currently?
steve: Steve
Karen F: Thank you, what technical issue may we assist you with?
steve: in the last 10 minutes I've lost connectivity twice
steve: on my cable modem
steve: AND my digital phone
steve: (just installed a couple of days ago)
steve: I work from home, so as you can imagine, this is VERY debilitating
steve: I tried to call (from my cell phone of course) and there was a 35 min wait
steve: so I know TWC is having a major technical glitch
steve: I just need to know how much to expect
steve: If I can't make my conference calls today I will have to reconsider my digital phone decision
Karen F: What area of Austin are you in, please?
steve: SW
steve: Southwest Pkwy
Karen F: We are not showing any problems in the south west area at this time, when the connection drops, what do the lights on the modem do, please?
Karen F: Hello, are you still with me?
steve: yes
steve: a bunch of lights flashing
steve: it's a VOIP modem
steve: so I'm not used to looking at the lights here... Gimme a sec.
Karen F: What are the labels by the lights that are flashing, please?
steve: i see cable go out and then start flashing
steve: like i said... it's not usually a problem
steve: but this morning it is
steve: and it's BOTH my modem and my phone
steve: I can't communicate with e-mail, instant msgr, telephone
steve: it's working fine at this very moment. I just thought I would report my issue so that TWC will have record as to why I switched…should this continue to occur
Karen F: Are there any other technical issues we may assist you with?
steve: no thanks... my issues are never resolved via "Live Assistance"
steve: good bye
steve: disconnected
Karen F: disconnected


As you can see, "Karen" was trying to get me back on track with her Expert System. You see, they can't possibly answer a question unless it's programmed into this system and is somewhere on a path in their flowchart. The "What are the labels by the lights that are flashing, please?" is the starting point which will eventually lead you into "Please try to reboot your PC... Please reset the power on your cable modem... Are you connected to a router... What operating system are you using"... not in that order, mind you. All I know is... They should have 2 versions of customer service... One for newb's that don't know what the problem is (nothing against newb's by the way), and one for people who know where the problem is and want someone on the other line to confirm their suspisions and maybe talk tech... and be all geeky together. Maybe someday... but until then, Time Warner's "Live Assistance", is the suck.

Seriously Good Product of the Week

(Philips HeartStart - click to see the big picture)

Well... I don't know about "Serious"... I mean, when I saw that you could buy one of these things for your own personal use, I was both suprised and saddened. For real! Suprised because at 150 joules (2,000 Volts), you could really make some unsuspecting person pee-their-pants (I hope this thing makes some sort of noise when you turn it on); and saddened because we didn't have one of these when I lived in a frat house back in 1989... Ahhh... all the lives that coulda been saved.

As far as "Good" goes... This will be a good investment if you live with an ole bisquit, gravey and sausage-eatin' coddger who spends his free-time sittin' on the couch yellin' at the Houston Oilers everytime they throw an interception. Your shiny, new Philips HearStart will be sitting... charging... waiting... ready for you to yank it off the wall, rip off his shirt, rub those pads together and just like the O.C., yell a resounding CLEAR just before you revolk the old man's ticket to pergatory.

Sold? You can buy one for under $1500 and maybe get free shipping from Amazon. As for me, I'm gonna buy a pair of Numark CDX Direct Drive CD Turntables instead... same price, but more impressive with the ladies... and... by ladies... I mean, my wife and daughter. :P~

Geek Factor (a few laughs for geeks that are comfortable with their geekiness)

The Wave Magazine - The Bay Area's Best Entertainment Magazine... Ever.

When you get a chance peep out this hilarious article about geeks. Worth the read fo' SHOW!

Land of Guilty Pleasures BLOG

Coming soon... The Land of Guilty Pleasures Publog. It's still in the works, but I was inspired by http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ to do something similar... No I never claimed to be Mr. Originality.

I know people have Obsessions, Compulsions and little guilty pleasures (not necessarily sex related) that they would like to get out there in the open... to figuratively let them flap in the breeze and be cleansed by the internet's eternal sunshine allowing you to embrace those feelings and inhale their new spring-fresh goodness... Or at the other end of the spectrum, you can read scathing comments from others humiliating you and your anonymity so that you can continue enjoying being soothed by your Hidamari no Tami in shame and in the privacy of your home office never to reveal this dark secret even to your closest loved one.

Prepare your pictures because I'll begin accepting submissions soon!

Apologies' for the photoshopping.

(Dread Cleaver)

I've received quite a bit of feedback on my alternate universe dramatization of Bella and her dreads. Many called, e-mailed or commented and said, "When did Bella start growing dreads?". Some were supportive and said "Go Long!" or "I liked it when she had short twists". Still others insisted that she cut them immediately if she ever planned on getting a job and integrating with society.

I just want to say... sorry. I thought my little write up would lead people to realize that I was just showing what COULD be... not what has been for 18 mos. It all started when my wife went to one of those hair sites, like Clarol or something. She was trying on hair styles with their online thing-a-ma-bob and I said... "Eh, I don't really dig those big-hair styles... Can't you choose something funky, like dreads?" Of course Clarol will have NO PART in allowing someone to have dreads, so I had to do it myself via Photoshop. I do get carried away sometimes... I spent 4 hours on Bella and about an hour and a half on June (seen here). I just like doing that kinda junk (and I could do YOU for a quick and easy $20 paypal).

So anyway. I'm off to bed, but couldn't go another day without clearing the air. Thanks for looking though! Come back and I'll make more!

Seriously Good Product of the Week

(The Truffel Shaver)

Well, I didn't do my homework this week... So I'm turning in this pieceahcrap report in hopes that I at LEAST get a good chuckle from the teacher and maybe a little red smiley face next to my big flaming "F".

Tell me this. When was the last time you gave your truffels a good shavin'? You know how delicate these things can be and NOBODY likes hairy truffels. Well, Dean and Deluca has just the tool for you. The Dean and Deluca Truffel Shaver! Keep your truffels baby's butt smooth, with the D&D Truf-Shaver. Your partner will thank you for it and at $22, it's a STEAL!

Sorry to LaRock... there are no left-handed models and I DON'T suggest you attempt to shave your truffels with a right handed truffel shaver... at least by yourself. We don't want you coming back to us to "kiss 'em and make 'em better".

Should "Alternate-Universe" Bella keep 'em?

(Dread growth chart)

In an alternate universe, called Steve's Imagination, things are different. We don't have time to go into all the details here, but one thing I do want to mention is the locks on my lovely wife Bella. You see, in this alternate universe, Bella has been growing a head of dreads for nearly 2 years. Now, in the real universe, Bella has been a bit more subtle. So my question to you is... Do you think Bella should follow the hair stylings of Alt-U Bella? Or should she stick with the more docile dew? I think the dreads are a bit more funky... it's the kinda dew that would make your mom say "But what will your employer think about you?" and in response you shake your dreads around and say "No worry 'bout a ting, babylon no trouble I-man. Seen?" or maybe something more understandable like "Awww Mom! I don't CARE what other people think." Votes?